Hey dad
I often wonder what you'd think of me now at this point in my life. I think most people see me as someone who hasn't accomplished much but I've really done a lot towards becoming my own person. I think you valued individuality, although it was something that was painful at times. I miss you a lot. I know you weren't in my life often but I know most of that wasn't your fault. I wish I was smart enough to see how I was manipulated against you when I was younger, but I guess I couldn't blame myself much as a child, being made complacent and abused as I was. I guess I wish I could tell you how hurt I was, and that I wish I could've been with someone who hadn't hurt me. I was told all my life how you were the bad guy, and everything was your fault, but I know now that it wasn't. You had agency but only to the extent that your mental illness, history, and people's mistrust allowed. A lot of the time I convince myself that maybe I was lucky you died so early, so there wasn't much you could do to disappoint me. I do remember the time you stole booze from uncle John, but we also spent that night watching the M.A.S.H. movie together, and I remember how we both discussed the ending song was so significant to both of us. "Suicide is Painless" I never knew you would take it literally. Every year without you seems more painful. What did I do to deserve no parents, no adults in my life to care for me? I've never been able to tell anyone about this because I really don't know how. Even typing this now I feel ridiculous, it's not like you can answer. I wish there was an afterlife so I could tell you how I feel but after I overdosed and had to be resuscitated I know that not to be true. We're left to ourselves electrical signals sent through meat to tell us how to feel, how to act, what to do.
I wish I knew how to talk to someone about how I feel, or that I even had someone to talk to.
I miss you dad